New Year? yeah...New Year.

Dear 2009,

You sho' was interesting.

You have got to be the most life changing year since...oh I don't know, 1991? I graduated this year and finally closed that chapter in my life that seemed so, so, so, long; high school. But the funniest part is that now high school seems the shortest. And the least serious. And I guess it was. The most important things in high school were clothes and boys. Now I'm at the age were the shit I do affects the rest of my life, like forreal.
Oh...2009. You were a wild one. I suffered the death of my Uncle Tony, but I gained the gift of my nephew Jay. Lost a few inches in the length of my hair, but gained new confidence in my self image. Took a blow to my pride when it came to Drexel, but gained resilience. In fact i might have dodged a bullet, since UMBC is wayyyy more affordable, and rank's higher than Drexel on the Top Up and Coming College's and Universities.
In fact, we're number 1. :)
I may have a semester to make up, but while off, I made a cool amount of money, as well as affect the lives of some great kids, learn about myself and others, cement a real relationship with Jesus, get my driving license, practically fall in love, master the art of frying plantains, take aerial classes, discover my true passions, start my first screenplay and book of poetry, AND buy a shitload of clothes and shoes whenever I wanted too.

I'd say 2009, you were pretty good to me.

Sure we had our moments, but I came out stronger for each one. Sure, my life went completely off track, but that just taught me my most valuable lesson.

"I don't control shit, I can only try my best, and be content knowing that I did everything I said I would ."

But I do feel as if, I lost sooo much this year, like for instance, my false sense of self. Or maybe I shed a few of my insecurities. Definitely lost my opinions of a lot of people, true colors shone this year. I've lost some of the expectations I had for myself as well as others. Dont' know if that's good or bad.
And most of all, lost that big ass impending debt I would have had, had I attended Drexel this year. LOL
In all honesty, I could go on and on about you 2009.
But why should I? You and me are through.
When I think back on everything we did, all the secrets we shared, all the times I cried or laughed, I'll have no choice but to smile, because although you were important, you didn't make or break make me, you changed me.
And I made to the other side. After December 31st, you'll be officially another year I lived through.

And I thank God for you.

Sincerely,
Nia.

for him.

More like a burden
Than a gift
More like a secret
Balled in my fist
My virginity has chained me.
Like Juicy Charms on a bracelet
Like diamonds on an anklet.
Like my ancestors on the slave ship.
Ball and chain it is.
I’m reminded of it’s existence
Whenever he tries to hit this.
Kissing on my neck
Rubbing on my thighs
Can’t help but get wet
The way he look into my eyes
Times like this it’s my v-card
I despise.
Makes me weigh the outcome of
A couple of hickeys on my chest
Makes me wanna be like all the rest.
Able and willing to have sex.
And it’s not that I don’t want to
It’s just that I can’t.
Not yet atleast I don’t think.
I’m waiting for something
But you keep pushing me to the brink.
Keep saying the right things
Spending your time.
Keep acting like you wanna be mine.
And every time you make me laugh
I feel the ball and chain drag
V-card keep the chastity belt on tight
Locked on my mind.
It’s hard, but I think it’s worth it right?
At first I knew what I was holding for
Didn’t want to be considered a whore
And then it became something I have
Just because no one ever took it.
But you tryna blow the dust off like an
Abandoned book.
You trying swipe the card till it’s nothing left
But I’m trying my hardest not to let you.
Of course I wanna see how you put it on me
Of course I wanna climb the walls in ecstasy
Of course I wanna ride it
Of course I wanna scream
But I’m just not ready….
i think.

Sampler: For My Momma and 'em; Holy Mothers

***So I'm trying to publish a book of poetry about motherhood, this is the first poem I wrote on the subject which made me wanna keep going. Comment please***

Holy Mothers
She wishes you'd
SCREAM...
As loud as the deacon's sunday best.
As long as the sermon.
Sitting under a nonexistent fan
As the preacher preaches about a "Godly man"
To the woman folk and the four old men, who actually attend.
Side eyes to the only female minister who can't become reverend cause she never went to school
She wipes clean her dingy white shirt of baby drool.
This store front church,
"Sittin at God's Feet! Baptist Church of God and the People"
...and my momma and 'em..
The preacher man spit flings as he condemns a haughty woman, who is unclean.
He straightens his gold and platinum wedding ring.
Plays with the knot in his tie.
Wipes sweat from a furrowed brow.
The sisters in the front row
Don't notice these things
All they see is a man of God
Who drives a BMW, got a good job, and power
....and a wife and kids
They admire him among other things.
Ample behinds and lace covered legs shift during sermons.
Moisture in inappropriate places on a sunday morning.
The reasoning behind why his following consist of women. Beautiful women who wanna live right
But can only find corner boys for husbands, if they're that lucky.
Coming to see the pastor is their religion, his sweat, vigor, and rhythm.
Throw a hand in the air, instead of panties.
Holy Ghost orgasms and heels cracked from stomping.
She wish they'd...
SCREAM...
For her when she preaches.
But, she can't get a hand clap
Or respect.
Bastard of a four year old child, and she's only 20.
Look down through your nose at her, it's the only way momma and 'em would ever see her.
They don't scream for her
Momma and 'em only scream for the Pastor or Jesus.
But nobody can see just how much Minister son look like Pastor, except for me.

gangsta grills

gangsta grills
Originally uploaded by nianicole

You like?

In Case You Care

Seems as if im about to make this blog more of a poetry blog.
But just in case anyone cares about me personal life
1. Going to UMBC! spring semester 2010
2. Started a poetry club at my job. I love it!
3.umm...I'm happy for the first time in a long time.

that's it!

Daddy's Lil Girl Pt. 1 (premature pregnancies)

(this will probably the next poem i try to remember, if i ever get the nerve to go and perform at a slam)

It just came outta me,
Like a premature fetus
That splattered were my feet was
It called itself the light.
And gave me a twenty dollar bill, so I can get some change.
And now that I got mines I'm tryna get you yours.
But these girls don't seem to understand me, or even speak my language.
Can't look past my articulation or college matriculation to believe the words I say.

I had a confrontation wit a young girl one day.
She was this tall, brown skin, brown eyes,
And she cut me like a knife when she broke down her life; told me that she couldn't even begin to tell me how many times she cried in her room cause some nigga didn't want her, couldn't love her, only wanted to fuck her.
And I was her.

I was you little girl...till something miraculous came into my world.
Till this thing I birthed pushed it's luminous light out of my body, and I've been trying to tell everyone since.
Will you be the first to believe that I accomplished this feat, something like learning how to ride a bike without my daddy behind me.

It was the Immaculate Conception when I birthed my self some self esteem.

It was healthy and brown, and there is no father around.
I did that shit by myself.

Pregnant by my pen at the tender age of twelve, and I started showing, so you could say my pride started to swell. The pregnancy was long and hard and sometimes even lonely
See daddy couldn't be there even if he wanted, he was six feet under before I was in the double digits, left me scratching a round belly asking what is this?
My questions were left unmarked like a sat problem, and instead of asking for help, I did that shit myself.

Wrote my name on the test and drew stick figures out of the bubbles.
My mentality was fuck it, ill solve my own troubles.
Fuck a daddy, if he can't be here. I'll be my own damn daddy, and make sure I never go without.
Fuck a test, fuck statistics and fuck all that doubt.
I brought a crib wit the money I got from pawning my barbie dolls.
And took my mom to Lamaze classes.
Stopped hanging around those people that were influencing me to abort it,
Said it wasn't my responsibility, said a father is supposed to provide a young girl with emotional security and self esteem.
And that its not right to do go about it alone.

But there was no father, and the boys I wanted didn't want a young girl who was to proud and pregnant with possibilities.
It just made their job harder it seems.
So it was just me.
Until the delivery, which happened before I thought it would

I screamed, you came to soon!
It said, I came right on time and I've been incubated in your mind and now it's time for me to shine.

And it was right and it was mine.

This was my light, my truth, my way, I didn't owe this to no one but me.
My self-esteem didn't come from a loving daddy.
It came from me.
Spawned by my imagination
Fertilized by a mothers faith
Covered in the blood of Jesus
And spoken into the world by me.

The 13

Today I saw a beautiful black baby boy on the bus and I thought so many things.

What will your life become?

How much tragedy you could bring?

By looking at your mother
I knew you never had a chance
She had vengeful regret stains caked around her mouth.
Eyes with complacency filled bags.

Your nose it was runny
White crust around your eyes as if you had been crying.
Where you crying lil man?
And if so what was it about.
It shouldn't have been worrisome because your physical age is only 4.
But it was, cause to your mother your age is so much more.
Your the age that she was when she noticed her surroundings.

And began to walk in the path of her mother, as if when she was born the doctor exclaimed
"Teenage pregnancy, let the circle be unbroken"

Multiply that by the number of times you've been taught your neighborhood gang sign
Subtract the number of times you've seen father
And then your age becomes equal than or less than your mothers.

Lil man, I could rewrite the bible with the story of your life.
It would tell how you were born on what seemed an average night.
Another ghetto black boy born is never a spectacular sight.
But it is to me.

Lil man, I wish I could turn back the hands of time and show you your history.
It's a powerful thing to know your a direct descendant of kings.
It would teach you pride, hope, morals amongst other things.
Teach you that it's never cool to make a woman cry, how you should live your life with honor and go respectfully when you die.
Teach that the alternate high to weed is self-esteem

And that when you truly love yourself than you grow to respect all living things.

Lil man, I would if I could, but I can't cause this is my stop.
But the real ride is just beginning for you and I wish you the best of luck.

And I know you can be anything you set your mind to.
Teacher, lover, lawyer, friend, gang banger, baby daddy, drugdealer kingpin.
This world will pull you many so ways, have your mother grieving for days.
Getting to the point where I ponder having children cause I don't ever wanna feel that pain.
So remember all that was exchanged in this ten second glance, and don't forget yourself when your out there taking chances.
Don't let your life become as tragic as the songs Billie holiday used to sing.
You smile a sweet childish smile as my stop approaches and the bell rings.
As if to say, "don't worry about me sis, I'm goin be okay."

Today I saw a beautiful black baby boy and I thought so many things.

The Process

My world is changing.
Faster than I ever thought it would.
Seeing things and doing things I thought I never could.
My heart it beat slowly
Like the calm before the storm
And my eyes stream gently
Bitter sweet tear drops, so warm.
From one issue to the next
From closed doors to bounced checks.
If I don't make it down this road I don't know what I’ll do next.
This is the life I thought deserved, the life I thought I would get, this life could lead to lead me to victory, or even regret.
Lord knows my zapatos aint never been opposed to walking.
But I don't got the stamina
And I hear the vultures squawking.
It's like I'm lost now.
And my great wall of confidence is falling down
All around me
Like I'm blinded by my own light
But my Lord says its not my fight.
And God willing the next time that plane of opportunity touches down, it'll be my flight.

Plan B

Plan B is never as good as plan A.
That's why it's plan b.
When dealing with plan B, just try not to be bitter.

Bitterness is unattractive, and good people survive horrid situations with the plastic plastered smile of courage on their face.

But it's hard to remain that same person after you've had your heart broken.
I used to be as deep as the pacific, but life is turning me shallow.
Shallow is safe and safe is good.

Safe is the relief you feel at the confirmation of your suspicions, "I knew his ass was cheating!"
Safe is the comatose like state you drink yourself into after the divorce papers are filed.
Safe is the realization that you don't need a man, cause they all ain't shit anyway.
Safe is telling your daughters that being a doctor is out of there reach and nursing is more realistic.
Safe is ignoring that burning sensation when peeing, cause your afraid to get tested.

Plan A was so much more dangerous. Plan B can only be less.

Plan B is safe and simple, the man you settled for cause your ovaries are withered with your deferred dreams of brown skin sons named Rashad.

And all though he doesn't love you like a tornado or overwhelm your senses like a tsunami, he has a good job and treats his mother right.
And a girl can only stand so many sleepless nights of pining away for plan A.

Plan A, now that was a plan.
It was smooth on the inside and shiny on the out, looked like it talked like it knew was the shit.
Plan A was the first thing you thought about when you woke up and sang you to sleep at night.
Plan A was first.
Plan A was right.
Plan A smeared your eyesight so you saw nothing but plan A.
So when plan A disappeared you stop seeing.

It's hard to accept blindness when your whole identity was built around vision.

Couldn't even imagine what a plan B would look like.
You were like plan B? What's that?
You learned that plan B was the option after the first.
The stars when you can't reach the moon.
Not the silver or the gold but the bronze.
A dream deferred into something less....

You wanted Jimmy Choo's?
But all they got are Steve Madden
You thought he had a condom on? Girl you better get a plan B!
Life is one big plan B.Wouldn't you have wanted heaven?
Is it so wrong to want what you want and think you deserve it?
Your life is a plan B.
Because your dad wanted a son.
So swallow that giant wad of plan B seed, but spit it out only when life isn't looking
Cause if you let it grow inside you
You become bitter with plan B. And good people don't.

Good people survive horrid situations with the plastic plastered smile of courage on their face.

Poetry Overload?

I'm emptying out my blackberry with a shitload of poetry
Just cause i feel like it.
Leave comments. And this means you shatyia and jen..lol

Running

I thought could run from him
But I can't.
This man who loves me like no other
I was made to love him
Afraid of what others would think of me if I gave him my heart
Ran like hell from what I knew would eventually catch up with me.
I used to wonder why I would be so unhappy,
Expecting the world to pay back what I thought they owe me.
Looking for my joy, in his arms
And their clubs, those shoes, and dollar bills.
Mindless mumbling zombie whistling the capitalism theme song in my head.
Cash rules everything around me, cream get the money dollar dollar bills yall.
But naw, it didn't take away the pain.
Money compared to him is like a band aid versus the cure,
The biggest hit he certainly was, making all other things obscure.
But I was afraid of his love thought I was unworthy,
Thought you had to be pure and whole to be with him,
And certainly I was dirty.
There would be times I would be amazed at his love,
And this impacted my own spirituality.
Times where my whole life seemed to fall in peace,
Sent my mind in spirals tryna to figure out what this was.
Till one day I didn't have to wonder no more,
Cause the love I feel now, it has always been, and always was, nothing but God

How I Felt All Night

How I Felt All Night
Originally uploaded by nianicole

When did you first fall in love with Hip Hop?

I could never really answer that question cause Hip Hop has always been there, I take it for granted. Sometimes I don't like it, but I do love it. Anyway I learned this last night when I realized I was in Love with Hip Hop.
I fell in love with Hip Hop, on October 27th at the First Mariner Arena. At Jay-Z's show. That show showed me that I never really had a choice in the matter. I was born with the burden.

One Night w/ HOVA

Monday's Style Icon

Thank you Black Girl with Long Hair!!!!!!
Being featured has made my week, month, year...lol

"Be." (for shatyia)

She just want to be
-long.
That explained the colors she wore
the way she dressed, the way she spoke
the things she thought.
See, it started before her,
this phenom of "be-long"
some say it's in the genes
No, not her "Trues"
but her TRUTH
See this is a way of life for her.
This is all she knows
Her birth rite
Her birth mark
Her pressure grows and grows
Cause see, she just wanted to be
-loved.
Really.
Cause ain't that what it's all about
At the end of the day.
Who loves you, bay?
Cause for her, it damn sure wasn't Momma
We all know what Momma loved.
And Daddy we'll he was a statistic
the world took him away a long time ago.

And as far as she knew
she was all she had
she thought she would be
-alone
her whole life

So she seeks to be
-long
Anywhere that will take her
and take her they did.
Mind, Body, Soul
and then some
until it's nothing left.
She couldn't be
-lieve
Her life.
Mixing her wants with her needs
and henny with weed
Damn.
That shit had her gone.
Said she was mixing that
PCP with that E
her wants and her needs
that shit had her gone.
Took her higher. Higher
Than she could imagine.
Right off the ground
Past the moon
and the stars
through the clouds
and threw her on Heavens front porch.

Atleast i like to think so
Cause see, it's sad to see a homegirl
fall apart cause she can't maintain
see her crumble and crack when
things fall outta wack
When all she wanted was to be
-long
I mean be
-loved
I mean be
-long.
She just wanted to be-long.
She just wanted to be-loved.
Can't ya'll see?
But why, why couldn't she just BE?

Happy Birthday Daddy.

Crowded House has become one of my favorite bands. I heard "don't dream it's over" before, but i fell in love with it while watching "Adventure Land" which was kinda crappy, but the soundtrack was wonderful.
Anyway...it's my Dad's birthday. I forgot. But was reminded. It's weird because i really don't think of him as much as i used to. And the crying doesn't hurt as much.
But there's still tears.

Anyway, this song makes me think about him.

"Don't Dream It's Over."


There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
Theres a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While youre travelling with me

Hey now, hey now
Dont dream its over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they wont win

Now Im towing my car, theres a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion but theres no proof
In the paper today tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the t.v. page

Hey now, hey now
Dont dream its over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they wont win

Now Im walking again to the beat of a drum
And Im counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only shadows ahead barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief

Hey now, hey now
Dont dream its over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
Dont ever let them win

Nothing's Gonna Change My World.

Didn't make it to Drexel.
Working. Writing. Sleeping. Praying.
Pressed the re-set button on LIFE...

Think about it. part 2?

So I'm on the web, looking up stuff, random stuff and I run across a list of indie films to see. Peeked my interest so I checked out the first page. And say no black faces as leads.
Now, don't get me wrong, and I have been chastised by my friends for this so many times, but I'm sick of all white "indie" flicks.
I love "Indie" flicks. Full of dirty shoes, vintage band tees and old school references. But can i please,please,please, get some with a couple black faces, puh-leaze!
It would make my life if Nick was black in Nick and Nora's infinite Playlist.
Or even if Juno was black. Like seriously, but than the media would make it a completely different film.
Idk, just a random rant on what i want to see.
That's why i started writing poetry, I couldn't find enough about what i wanted to hear about. Eh. Maybe I need to be the change I want to see, in the world of media.

Think About It.

So that link led me to a great post on "image". Things we think make us who we are, but really just make up the way we look.

And at first I was all like "yeah, fuck images!!"
But than I thought about it, images make our world go round.

Help to figure things out, and keep people in boxes, where they make more sense and are easier to control.

Hmmm...interesting. But the funny part is, I don't even know what my image would be. Or look like. I think that's what I'm tryna make now. I think I'm confused.

Sometimes.

(This was insprired by Sandra Cisneros)

Sometimes you have to wait.
Like your sitting on a bus stop
On the hottest day of the year and the trash can next to the bench is full and the flys are out and the bees are stinging and the fiends are hanging and the beggars are begging, and on top of all that your late for work.
Sometimes you have to wait.
Like all your friends are eighteen but you don't turn 18 till the end of the year, and your to mature to party with anyone your age or younger, and your too scared to use a fake Id, and you always have money, and the friend that was the same age as you can use her sisters Id, and most of the time you are all dressed up with no where to go.
Sometimes you have to wait
Like when you get accepted into a good college,and you think you can, but you really can't afford it. And your fasfa appeal falls through, and all your friends are already in school, and you thought you were set, and you don't apply to any other school because your set, you know? And you get denied for a loan, and you miss late registration for all the other places, so your stuck, and your working at mcdonalds till next semester.
Sometimes I hate waiting.

This Can't Be Life.

I'm stuck.
I've learned that the worst thing for me is being stuck. I hate this. I can deal with death, and dissapointment, and change, and even boredom. But I can't feel stuck. Trapped. Claustrophobic.
It's horrible.
This school sitiuation is The Worst.
Still haven't given up on the Drexel Dream, but if it doesn't work, realisticly it's looking like that, I have to wait till Janurary to go to Morgan.
So I'm stuck.
In my mother's house, still underage, so it's not that many options. I might as well be in my Senior Year of High School again.
This shit is almost unbeliavble.
I don't think I know another person who wants there education as much as myself
but I'm so far away from it, about 15000 dollars, away.
But I can't even cry about it anymore.
I just want to move on.
Not Drexel? Fine, let's go some where else.
But what happens when there's no where else to go.
I never even thought about that.
And I usually think about everything.
Damn. I guess this is what a dream deffered feels like.

My Day. Through Song.

It's late.
I'm just gonna run through my day, fast.
Problem= -20,000 dollar* 2 denied loans+ no co-signer=no college for nia.
Damn, forreal?
Yup.
Idk what i'll do.
Earlier today, I was wondering if I dream too big.
Is there even such a thing?
Morning
-

Stressed Out - A Tribe Called Quest featuring Faith Evans

Church

More Than I Can Bear - Kirk Franklin

Later at Grandma's

I Told The Storm - Kelly Price

At Nichee's going away cookout-

8 Millions Stories - A Tribe Called Quest

Around the time we get to Jalee-lee's

Off The Wall - Michael Jackson
Now

Ay Yo (Illadelphonics Live Remix) - Melanie Fiona

eh. It was a long day.
All I know is, growing up knowing the Lord is paying off.
And I love my friends.
Couldn't see myself without them.

Random Thoughts on a Rainy Day

I was supposed to be outside today.
I was supposed to be at Dru Hill Park, with my friends.
It was supposed to be all five of us, for the last time before they go off to college.
But instead I was inside, layed up on the couch, with my feet on my Mom's lap.
Then I got on the computer and did this thing that i need to stop doing.
Started dreaming about the future.
Tsk.Tsk.Tsk.

The more i dream about the future, the less i actually do about it.

I'll literally spend a whole hour dreaming about something, and forget to write about it.
And then at like twelve or two in the morning, I'll be possessed by the writing demon.
And just write about the random-ist subjects.
I wrote my idea for a screenplay about weed brownies, and wrote a outline for a possible paper about the stages of love.
Eh. It all made sense in my head.
That's the story of my life...

"It made sense in my head."

Why.

Disclaimer: This ain't my personal story exactly, i did get fucked up when i wrote it, but...it's just a poem.

Fuck this shit. No more weed.

Is what I said I last time I took the L to the head.
That shit was potent had my head spinning, I was seeing red.
I couldn't concentrate on watching the Hangover so I tried writing instead.
This is what was said when I came down. This is what was read.
But we living in a den of equity
And when i smoke hashish and blow trees
I can't stop thinkin about how I used to be.
To be honest getting high now just depresses me
I ain't been in an actual church in five years
Too ashamed.
And besides god would be blinded by my jewelry.
And I can't be without my ice
So I chose my accessories rather than god.
I chose my new range rover over jehovah

I chose my jimmy choo's over jesus anyday.

Yeah, it's a bit much to say, but it's the truth, for me and you.
America's the living proof, just look at what we do.
Slavery, the failure of prohibtion and we tryna legalize weed, prostitution been legal, I don't care what no one says.
And just because you don't have a pimp don't mean that man isn't paying you to open to your legs.
So call it what it is, and hey I can't knock it.
I'm just speakin on what I see, don't even really wanna stop it.

I'm just a sinner with a soapbox, I'm miles from a prophet.

See, I used to wonder what this thing was that could tear a man from his family,
But every time I get high I feel a little closer to my father.
Just like every time he took a sip he felt. Closer to his mother.
They say addiction runs in the family, so I feel like it's bound to happen at some point.
Shouldn't I just pick my drug of choice and get it over with.
Shouldn't I just get it outta my system?
I'm young right?
I'll heal?

I live a crazy reckless life, and maybe just maybe when I turn 30 ill get a book deal.

Shiiidd....I'm lying to myself.
Once again, because something in my heart keep bringing me right back in.
To the church, to the bible, to the Lord in his various forms.
I catch myself standing outside of cathedrals staring at the doors
Wondering what it feels like to be loved by God again.
Knowing that your not crazy cause it's really Jesus who's calling your name
Feel like I'm smoking to stop the pain of the drinkin and drinkin to forget the fact that God forgot my name.
Cause I'm too far gone to save.

Or maybe I'm just so incredibly sane, it's driving me the other way.

I just can't take it no more,
If God didn't want us to partake in it, why does it exsist.
Why the fuck are narcotics so easy to get.

Why is it easier for a young black male to get wasted than to see graduation.
Why has this world become on big fucked up situation,

And why is God showing so much patience?
To the evil's of the world
And these are the questions that ill never understand, so I scroll down the pages of the Good book and roll a blunt with the same hands.
And I get on my knees, and exhale as I ask God to protect my soul..

And instead of hearing gods reply I hear the burning of the blunt I hold,
And that is why, I get high.

Immediate gratification, for an unsolvable problem
Floating on cloud twelve, approaching the eleventh heaven.
If I use all ten of my fingers and toes it still wouldn't be enough to describe the reasons I like to blow.
Quite sad and depressing I know, but fuck it.
I got something waiting on me when I go home.
Alone.

Cause I don't have a man that I can go home to who love me.
But ill be in ecstasy, atleast until I get the munchies.

And shit I maybe be alone but I ain't lonely.
Got a bad bitch waiting by my. Bedside, she's mary jane to the homies.
But to me, she my best friend.
She don't judge me like God do.
As a matter of fact, she the reason why I got so many friends.
Only thing is, she quite possesive, can't stand for me to be away to long. She knows I get reckless, ill start reading the bible again, and stop saying Gods name in vain, even vow to never see her again.
Till some bad shit happens.

Then, I'm rolling her, turning the music up and dropping out.

And then we back on like we never fell off.
There is no forgivness necessary, only inhale and take it to the brain.
Why? You ask me still?
I may not have all the answers but I know how to ease the pain.
Ill smoke to my eyes close and joints start sinking. Smoke till I can see stars, and till the orioles start winning.
Smoke till I hear bells, and smoke till my toes curl.
Now you know why I'm smoking, to escape this hell.

Something New.

That's my new haircut.
LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello, again.

Well.
I've come back for my online journal.
It's been along summer and it's almost over.
It's been fun.
It's been sad.
Hella concerts.
Parties? not so much.
Deleted a myspace.
Gained an AOL account. Win!
Saw E.badu, Kid Cudi, Chrissete Michelle, Ryan Leslie, Jazmine Sullivan, 88 Keys, live in concert.
Deleted three useless numbers outta my phone.
And cried in a couple bathrooms, a couple times.
Got a haircut.
But no regrets at all, suprisingly.
And there will be more posts up ahead, suprisingly.

short story opening perhaps?

I looked into his eyes. And I pushed myself off that ledge and decided to fall. I mean, why not. I'm young,I'll heal.Why not make mistakes now and learn from them. Why not open myself up and see what happens. I'm tired of being afraid.I decided to leave my baggage at the door, right beside my sachel of bitter memories. Kicking off the too big shoes of shame, peeled off those too tight jeans of inhibitions, ripped off my low self esteem shirt and took off my thinking cap.I straight walked into love, completely naked and completely responsible for the consquences.

Of the top of the head....

Without saying too much
I hope to say it all.
I exposed myself to you
hoping that I could find a connection
But instead I found a game
in which to fall.
We're playing but never played.
And it seems you had more practice.
But never the less, I'll be the better
one to come outta this.
I see you in plain sight and in the darkest
of night.
And you think you know but you have no idea.
But i'll wait for you to come around
And if you never find your way to me
I'll be okay too.
Because I've grown as a person.
Just from knowing you.

a poem about a poem?

So...i just wrote the dopest poem
ever.

well, the best poem i ever wrote.
it's soo good, that I don't wanna share it.
And it's like five pages long.
So you know i ain't typing it.

But if i really stop being scared all my life
and get into that whole slam poetry scene,
that would be my first piece.

So..yeah, by now it's clear this ain't a poem
but, so what, it's my blog.
i can do what i want.

Trying to be [IN]divdual.

I learned how to draw inside the lines when I turned eight.
People don't like for you to think outside the box.
Color your hair pink.
Or draw chalk daisies on rocks.

I learned how to transform myself long before I needed the skill.
Being creative was cool but being different warrants
"eeew...." from your third grade classmates.

And though no one ever said this aloud I knew what was up.
So I adorned myself accordingly.
No more random questions, no more smiling at strangers.
Everything you wear must be friend approved, ya know
"...is this cute?"

Things I like don't matter anymore.
I'm officially apart of the crowd and we laugh at those who aren't.
The ones who dare to live out loud.

Put away your odd-ness,cover up your freakish-ness.
Hide those imperfections.
Like horses who race at Preakness,
we are now up for inspection.

The time has come for our yearly detection.
There is an impostor in our crew.
She's been thinking her own thoughts and trying to walk her own walk.
How dare she stand apart?
How dare she look for unique-ness and still long to be apart of the mob mentality.

There is no need for the likes of her kind here.
Too much independence, too much curiosity
and much too much too smart.

It felt like as soon as I was accepted I was ousted.
Years of hard work and conformity.
Down the drain.
All that time I was suppressing myself to impress others.
And it seems it's all for nothing.
I don't fit in anyway.

Perhaps that's my life's greatest tragedy.
Not fitting in and not knowing it.

Before I learned how to draw inside the lines I never even used to draw.
I used to dance.
Dance on life's back like a Chinese masseuse.
And then it got lonely up there.
And I wanted to come down.
To high to look into my friends eyes.
And I never knew how much I wanted to before I did.

So I conformed.
I crawled down, and sat in my seat, picked up my purple crayon and traced the elephant.
I used slow and determined strokes that went left and right.
They describe my phlight of following the trends and trying to be IN.
Up and down like the styles.
Good and bad like my relationships with friends.
Even like my skin tone.
And eventually complete, like I hoped to be.

Been drawing since I was eight and nothing yet.
Maybe this isn't the medium for me.
Maybe i'll take up flight .
Fly back into oblivion and dance on the clouds till heaven rains down.

graduating calls for a look at oneself

hmmm.....so I've been thinking about myself and the person i wanna become and all that good stuff lately, and i've also been reading up on random things like
1. what exactly does "purp" consist of? i know it's weed, but like what exactly is weed?
2. random ass songs on youtube, and anything with kid cudi's face on it. i just love him, is all.
3. no daddy syndrome.

The last is some what of a mystery in my life like the boogie man, tooth fairy, cooties. Supposedly, it's something that young girls, well no, all girls who eventually turn into woman, who had a poor or non-existent relationship with their fathers. Hints- "no-daddy" syndrome.
Anyway, i had to ask myself, do i suffer from that? I think mine is a special case. My father passed away when i was like eight. But he was here for the most part when he was alive. But he also stole our cd player. But he used to clean and cook. He was a character, but i loved him. And i know he loved me. But is that enough?
Will i grow up to be one of those crazy insecure chicks whose only goal is to get married?
Will i be a hardened bitch, who sleeps will men to avoid emotional intimacy?
Will i ever post something that's actually worth commenting on?
Will i ever stop caring so much?
i have no idea, but hopefully i'll get one soon.

My RULES.

-Dream Big. Work Harder.
-real friends deserve to be treated as such
-if i don’t hustle i don’t eat
-only ask mom and granny for large sums of money…everybody else will make you feel bad about it.
-remember that EVERY SONG IS YOUR SONG and act accordingly
-always talk during the movie/play/ballet/traffic jam/lecture…fuck the old white people behind you. fuck.them.
-think about what you say
-except if it’s funny. if it’s funny, SHOUT THAT SHIT.
-always buy boy shorts
-mother knows best
-before any big event in life, prom/wedding/graduation watch the Beyonce experience.
-laugh instead of cry
-cry instead of argue
-argue instead of fight
-send funny random texts to your new love at 11:06 every Thursday, sets the tone for the relationship.
-when depressed play Kirk franklin, beyonce, kanye and yo gotti, in that order.
-always be a diva
-but fuck wearing make-up everyday, really don't need that shit.
-always laugh when the hilarity ensues.
-boys that ONLY text you, get the friends status.
-go hard or go home.
-me first. always.
-sing and laugh loud as you can possibly can all the time.
-depend on no one else for your happiness.
-if it don't make you happy. fuck it.
-laugh at the haters, and gloat about your success at the Oscars.
-READ.READ.READ.PRAY.READ.
-only eat good food.
-breathe.
-God first. Family second. everything else.

Scribbled during a trig test

When the crowd fades away and i'm left all alone
I retreat into myself,
back into the bottom of my heart
back into the back of my head
I take me all in and relish the day
The better parts make me smile
the low moments i throw away.
Sometimes it's good to have a moment
to yourself to regain your sanity
When all the noise of the day
goes back to where it came from
and you can just
be yourself with yourself by yourself,
nothing wrong at all
No other voices to hear
No opinions to count
no cares at all.
i breathe myself in
and release us back out
Winding down to take care of me.
Forging a bond that only we know about.

so true.

me- yo, you a true fiend. you stay high.

the fiend- wtf. duh!! why wouldn't i? reality sucks.

SO TRUE.

"all i do is eat, shit and think about success."
-Big Sean

Yes. These words sum my life up to perfection right now. The grind right now consists of finding the rest of my money for Drexel. And that's a lotta zero's. (30,000, and that's the estimate). I'm not stressed, i'm blessed to even be accepted and consquently having to find the money. So i'm taking it all in stride. And i'll find the money and i'm bringing G.O.O.D T.V to a flat screen near you.hmm....
that has a ring. Wonder if Kanye would sue me if i made that my production company name.

Rehab and Air Yeezys...lol. Named it just for Deda.

I'd much rather be with you right now.
I'm sitting with friends laughing and partying
Drinks go round
Weed goes down
And with every sip and inhale
i realize i am about to make a big
mistake.
I want- I want- to call you.
Yup. I'm goin drunk dial.
4 4 3 no 4 1 0 5- shit.
Oh yeah...i never deleted your number anyway.
Time slows down as i push the call button
My friends grab at my phone tryna stop me
but to no avail.
The phone rings. And Rings. and rings.
you don't answer.
"This is me, leave a message"
I bit my lip in a drunken stupor
I need to leave the room
Cause i'm still not drunk enough to embarrass
myself in front of my friends.
But. "I want to vomit my heart through the phone onto your doorstep."
LISTEN TO ME.
iluhyou...

i fucking love you!
i loved you when you where dead broke
loved you when you got money.
Loved you before your pradas and air yeezys
And your Rolex's and Lexus.
Loved you before you started wearing extra-smedium shirts
LOVED YOU SINCE YOU WERE WEARING ROCA-WEAR.

so how dare you leave me.
Yeah, i know it's been almost a year
BUT you took everything from me
So how do you think i feel?
After everything we been through
all the nasty stuff i wouldn't do
wit nobody but you.
And you just up and leave me like this?
So what i had a problem!
Don't we all?
Yeah, i like my Jack, Goose and 8 Ball.
So what it was hard to see straight at times
And yeah i do remember finding in the strangest
places margarita lemons and limes.
But that never took away from how i treated you!
Right?
I mean there was that crazy big fight where
i cut up your shirts and tried to stab your dog.
But see, you were being a flirt
and your homeboy Jamal
he deserved it, sorry...
But aside from that i loved you.
Remember that time when i was baking Jamal
get well cookies in the kitchen
and you came in and told me how much you loved and cared
for me and-oh shit- that was an intervention!
But see, it's the things like that
that make me love you,
your the only one who ever cared.
And you know that don't you?

I been knocking Buds back with my mom since i was 12, and i can't control it.

Well anyway.
I called to tell you i'm checking into rehab
I think your the only one who would appreciate it.
Hello? Hello? oh, i thought you picked up.
Thought you would be glad to know
my days as a drunken slut
are over.

Oh well fuck it.
The party ends tonight,
so the bottle i'll be sucking.

And with every shot i take
and every tequila worm i down,
i'll always think of you.
My loving ex-boyfriend
who taught me to swim out of the bottle
instead of drown.

Now that's a down ass chick

Give her your burden.
Your love, your joy and hate.
Give her your burden.
Your pain no matter how great.
She'll recieve you into
her walls, as she herself falls
Down ass chicks wear your feelings
like ten gold toe rings
We'll be as null and void as you are about things
Sometimes we'll stare at those rings
as if our eyes were laser beams
Sometimes we'll pull and tug
tired of your tough love
And sometimes, just sometimes
we'll get real still.
Times like those we'll do your will
But what you gotta know about us
is that it's not a game at all.
And if it's not meant to be
when you push, we'll fall.
But when you fall-
when a down ass chick's man falls
We'd just as well
pull ourselves under
tryna pull you up over.

studnet loans wtf.

so,
since i've decided to go to drexel, i've recently looked up their cost and fees etc.
Needless to say i was dumbfounded.
drexel- total cost for freshman year- 51,000
WTF.
FML.
OMG.
so i get my fin aid package and they say they goin give me 16,500.
WTF.
so....i don't know anymore. i really want to got to drexel
but HU is cheaper.
and i just might have to go there.
I might have to re-name this blog.
One broke ass co-ed.
GAH.....

my fmylife entry...15 dollars for 2 hours

Today i went to this party i was sooo pressed to get into. it was at club one to which i had never been, plus i hadn't partied all spring break. Thought it was ten and i was paying for my sis but it was 15 plus i ended up paying 30 dollars. The party started at 8 we got there at 9. They shut it down at 11. FML

I Decided...you are the school for me.

OKay...
so it's offical. i will be attending Drexel University in the fall, around september 18. yay me.



Television major.
and please believe
i'm bringing Girlfriends back
i'm adding RELAVENT black characters to Gossip Girl
and putting a positive show about baltimore on HBO.
lol. seriously.
dreamin big like my girl jazzy.

cool videos

What NOW!!??

So i've been accepted into ( drumroll please)

Stevenson University
Fairliegh Dickinson University
Uarts
Howard University
Drexel University
Chestnut Hill College

the problem lies within HU and DRexel
i just don't know.

HU- the mecca, acroos the street form OBzzy, much fun, wonderful culture, history, a great rep, fun, fun did i mention fun.

Drexel- private, technology based, has frickin Television major! Who does that? I does that, if i enroll, located in Philly, givin up the $$$

But my problems lies in the lack of diviersity in both schools.
Do i want to be the majority or minority.
What to do.
Help please, give honest opinons, i want to know!!
Share horror stories for both, if you have any!!
Thanks.

what i do when i'm supposed to do homework.

(So this is something i been wrote and never posted, it's in the making, and going through changes...let me know what you think.)
Once Upon a Time....
Once upon a time in a hood near you lived little Precious Love Jones. Precious was mischievous and fly, cute and sassy, and her mouth got her into a lot of trouble. One night, Precious's mommy, Queen B beat Precious like she stole something.
And now Precious sported three welts on her body. Her mother was teaching Precious a lesson, she would learn to never trust men, even if it killed her.
At least that's what her mother thought she was doing when she was beating her.

Crack! One D&G belt against the thighs. This was for Precious's grandfather the Orin gal King,
who was killed by European invaders long ago, a now wasn't able to change a damn thing.
Crack! One across her back. That was Precious's father, a king who ran away when his country was in famine, because he didn't understand Mother Earth and her temperament. Cause his own father was never there to teach him how to teach him how to be a real man and work his own land.

And know the king is in far far away land spreading seed on what was once fertile ground. Dropping it in the soil and refusing to nurture it. Claiming the land .for a one night stand. Letting the world's breath blow over his scattered seeds. Wondering why it will be a weak harvest this season.

The last welt was for Precious's future
What ever Prince who decides to try and woo her
Who ever is still alive after the war of puberty
Whoever isn't captured before he can reach her gates
Whoever can swim across the moat of bullshit that the world made
That young Prince will have to carry Precious's Louie V baggage
One scar across her thighs that make it hard to sit
but kills her to stand and walk away, thus she'll continue to crawl.
Second scar on her back that gives her a slight hunch.
Curving her shoulders to the ground and consequently her neck
never letting her head rise to high
that scar keeps her in check.
And the last scar, well that's for you my young Prince
Right across her heart, the place her mother last hit. It's to make her
stronger.
See it's keloided over now through the years of
bitches, money, hoes, cars, clothes
I hate you and love you at the very same time
Mac Daddy bullshit, line after line
Seeing what you can never be,
knowing what you are
being told what's "real"
and how love is just too damn hard
Hip-hop lyrics, and Playboy Magazines
Being virtually molested by the media from age 6 to 18

"See young Prince what you just got yourself into when you asked to be my man
is a whole bunch of bullshit, that you'll probably never understand
I know i didn't ask to be born into the throne, just like you didn't ask
for my life story
But what I'm tryna tell you is.
Bring it on.
Whatever the fuck you got.
Cause see i know love is a fairytale
that's been altered through the course of time
And i can smell bullshit like lemons and limes
I can't offer you love
I don't know nothing about that
But I can give you my loyalty
as long as it's me you protect.
I'll make sure you never go to bed alone
Stay full and pleased
Wear pink Vicky thongs and get on my knees
Cause the night I became a woman
I got branded
And these three welts stand for more than that,
my past, future and present.
Those welts which came out of my
mothers love, represent my life and loyalty;
The symbol of my ghetto royalty.

dope-nessss!!!

People who are weird, and know they’re weird, have two choices—they can either revel in self-consciousness, struggling to fit into a norm that was never carved for them, or embrace, bask, testify in the name of their quirkiness.
-adriel luis of iLL-Literacy

"get wit it....."

March 2nd. around 1am-ish

Soo...
I decided I'm going to write. Fuck everything else. The only thing I've ever been partially constant with is writing. I feel like that would truly make me happy. That's also something i could share. I only like to sing for the lord and myself, and acting is....idk. Just a basic skill i have. I wanna write about my experiences but how do i get readers> Do i even want people to read? How far am i willing to go? What about poetry? Spoken word?

What next for me?

If i get into VCU or Drexel's cinema program then it's on. That's a promise to myself that'll i'll be the next Toni Morrison, Spike Lee and Suzanne De Passe, all in one. I feel like my heart is too big and i am too irregular to just
settle.

I'm not striving for fame.
I'm not striving for money, (but it's up there in my list of priorities)

I just wanna be happy.

And this is just a reminder to myself;
i'm officially taking up the pen as my sword.

GOodNiTe.
P.S. -this was inspired by hip-hop. surprisingly.
P.S.S- and the surge of energy i get after twelve.

WTF.

So....
Today i had a momentary absent of sanity.
Let's just say i went off.
It all started cause i was supposed to take my driving license test.
Told everybody
Made a big "hoopla"
And didn't get the damn thing.
AND I DIDN'T EVEN FAIL.
my grandmother's car wasn't registered.
So now i have to pay fifty and take my test whenever i get the chance.
Now that doesn't sound too bad.
But this is what i did.

I literally brokedown. It was soo embarrasing.
But this was something, i had desired dreamed about, and finally found the time to do.
And on top of that fifty fucking dollars for something i should have been had.

anywyay.

I learned that i shouldn't let my schedule fuck wit my brain like that again.
I started bringin other stuff in, the mess. Talking about how i'm failing physics
and i hate school. How i need to clean my room. And i kinda just wanna leave my body for a minute. I reminded me of United States of Tara. I would have gladly turned into a diffrent person at that moment. But the worse part is, it wasn't even that serious! I know i was tripping, but i could not control myself. I just equated so much to having my license....
And now, i'm just in a pissy mood. And i don't know for how long. All day people have been telling me how evil i look, and now i know what they're talking about. This is how i been feeling since sunday.


When that bitch D. Duncan set me up!lol. but that's a story in it's self.
So, nice nia, is taking a leave of absence till Monday. I think i'll just embrace it and be a bitch till then. it's just too strong to fight.

Disturbia

I can't get Rihanna's Disturbia song out my head.
It's really fucking with me.
Anyway, i just felt the need to express my excitement at really and truly finding a place to express myself openly.
And while comments would be nice (wink wink)
I write this for me.
My friends who see me everyday have no idea i have a blog.
And i like it like that.
They don't need to know EVERYTHIN about me, Right?
That's kinda weird and unhealthy.
Goodnite;*
Random Pic from DR trip.
Great fucking times.Soothes my Soul. Gotta Go Back

omg. my new artist to watch.

Not the performance i saw, but close enough.

So.....

Saw Solange and Estelle last night at Rams Head Live.

Which by the way is a nice place. Very underrated.

Any way. Solange rocked my socks off.

I hate to use this word but she was soo fuckin >"cool"

She looked good, can't really dance, is smart, and has no ass at all.

Qualities i can see in my self.

But never the less, her performance was thee truth.

Now i don't want to dick ride, but she is def coming into her own.

I can digg it. She gives weird, intelligent, but beautiful girls like myself

INSPIRATION

mean just because you're smart doesn't mean your not glamourous.

Don't believe the hype, every nerd is not introverted and arkward.

Some of us are graceful and plain ole' sexy.

Basically, she inspired me to keep traveling on my path, and not to get get caught up in what others think of me.

And when she mixed "Electric Feel" in her set, lets just say..

I LIVE!!!!!

my new obsession (besides kyle..chill)lmao.

okay....so cruisin on youtube on a bored monday night i came across, well lets just say some intresting behavior.
"Vogue battles at the Ball"
OMG. i found my self jammin, like there's no tommorow.
I'm soo on it.
And i was makin myself look like a fool tryna walk and drop.
all i hear when i go to sleep now is
Oh yes to the yes yes....

ohhwee.

So it's like 11:55 in the almost AM.
Can't sleep.
Thinkin' bout, well i'll never tell you.
And surely, i'll regret this in the morning.
But sometimes you gotta do what feels good.
Hittin the keys at 11:58
by the light of the laptop is
closer than close
to a mental orgasm right now.
And god damn it feels good.
Yup, I'm havin a erotic write off.
I was a virgin to the word before this moment.
But i can no longer fight my urges.
Can't squeeze my legs tight enough at night
Can't bite my pillow hard enough.
Palms gettin wet thinkin about it.
Fingers gettin stiff with metaphors.
Ready to get off
write now
in whichever way i can.
Tonite i'm tryna a new postion.
Lying on my stomach as i type
Feeling like a diffrent type of girl.
As this unfurls.
Damn.
Every key stroke
feels so intense.
A s p a c e bar curls my toes.
Enter key.
Enter key.
Enter key.
Feels so good fcuk a spell check.
i can't use protection with this one.
It feels like a small heart attack.
In the small of my back
As the curve of my wrist
turns into the palm of my hand
the length of my fingers
as i
tap,
tap,
tap
my own keys
in my own bed.
On a sleepless night.
Shit.
And my s p a c e bar
retracts as my heart slows down.
shit.
in need
of weed now.
shit.
goodnight.