This Can't Be Life.

I'm stuck.
I've learned that the worst thing for me is being stuck. I hate this. I can deal with death, and dissapointment, and change, and even boredom. But I can't feel stuck. Trapped. Claustrophobic.
It's horrible.
This school sitiuation is The Worst.
Still haven't given up on the Drexel Dream, but if it doesn't work, realisticly it's looking like that, I have to wait till Janurary to go to Morgan.
So I'm stuck.
In my mother's house, still underage, so it's not that many options. I might as well be in my Senior Year of High School again.
This shit is almost unbeliavble.
I don't think I know another person who wants there education as much as myself
but I'm so far away from it, about 15000 dollars, away.
But I can't even cry about it anymore.
I just want to move on.
Not Drexel? Fine, let's go some where else.
But what happens when there's no where else to go.
I never even thought about that.
And I usually think about everything.
Damn. I guess this is what a dream deffered feels like.

My Day. Through Song.

It's late.
I'm just gonna run through my day, fast.
Problem= -20,000 dollar* 2 denied loans+ no co-signer=no college for nia.
Damn, forreal?
Yup.
Idk what i'll do.
Earlier today, I was wondering if I dream too big.
Is there even such a thing?
Morning
-

Stressed Out - A Tribe Called Quest featuring Faith Evans

Church

More Than I Can Bear - Kirk Franklin

Later at Grandma's

I Told The Storm - Kelly Price

At Nichee's going away cookout-

8 Millions Stories - A Tribe Called Quest

Around the time we get to Jalee-lee's

Off The Wall - Michael Jackson
Now

Ay Yo (Illadelphonics Live Remix) - Melanie Fiona

eh. It was a long day.
All I know is, growing up knowing the Lord is paying off.
And I love my friends.
Couldn't see myself without them.

Random Thoughts on a Rainy Day

I was supposed to be outside today.
I was supposed to be at Dru Hill Park, with my friends.
It was supposed to be all five of us, for the last time before they go off to college.
But instead I was inside, layed up on the couch, with my feet on my Mom's lap.
Then I got on the computer and did this thing that i need to stop doing.
Started dreaming about the future.
Tsk.Tsk.Tsk.

The more i dream about the future, the less i actually do about it.

I'll literally spend a whole hour dreaming about something, and forget to write about it.
And then at like twelve or two in the morning, I'll be possessed by the writing demon.
And just write about the random-ist subjects.
I wrote my idea for a screenplay about weed brownies, and wrote a outline for a possible paper about the stages of love.
Eh. It all made sense in my head.
That's the story of my life...

"It made sense in my head."

Why.

Disclaimer: This ain't my personal story exactly, i did get fucked up when i wrote it, but...it's just a poem.

Fuck this shit. No more weed.

Is what I said I last time I took the L to the head.
That shit was potent had my head spinning, I was seeing red.
I couldn't concentrate on watching the Hangover so I tried writing instead.
This is what was said when I came down. This is what was read.
But we living in a den of equity
And when i smoke hashish and blow trees
I can't stop thinkin about how I used to be.
To be honest getting high now just depresses me
I ain't been in an actual church in five years
Too ashamed.
And besides god would be blinded by my jewelry.
And I can't be without my ice
So I chose my accessories rather than god.
I chose my new range rover over jehovah

I chose my jimmy choo's over jesus anyday.

Yeah, it's a bit much to say, but it's the truth, for me and you.
America's the living proof, just look at what we do.
Slavery, the failure of prohibtion and we tryna legalize weed, prostitution been legal, I don't care what no one says.
And just because you don't have a pimp don't mean that man isn't paying you to open to your legs.
So call it what it is, and hey I can't knock it.
I'm just speakin on what I see, don't even really wanna stop it.

I'm just a sinner with a soapbox, I'm miles from a prophet.

See, I used to wonder what this thing was that could tear a man from his family,
But every time I get high I feel a little closer to my father.
Just like every time he took a sip he felt. Closer to his mother.
They say addiction runs in the family, so I feel like it's bound to happen at some point.
Shouldn't I just pick my drug of choice and get it over with.
Shouldn't I just get it outta my system?
I'm young right?
I'll heal?

I live a crazy reckless life, and maybe just maybe when I turn 30 ill get a book deal.

Shiiidd....I'm lying to myself.
Once again, because something in my heart keep bringing me right back in.
To the church, to the bible, to the Lord in his various forms.
I catch myself standing outside of cathedrals staring at the doors
Wondering what it feels like to be loved by God again.
Knowing that your not crazy cause it's really Jesus who's calling your name
Feel like I'm smoking to stop the pain of the drinkin and drinkin to forget the fact that God forgot my name.
Cause I'm too far gone to save.

Or maybe I'm just so incredibly sane, it's driving me the other way.

I just can't take it no more,
If God didn't want us to partake in it, why does it exsist.
Why the fuck are narcotics so easy to get.

Why is it easier for a young black male to get wasted than to see graduation.
Why has this world become on big fucked up situation,

And why is God showing so much patience?
To the evil's of the world
And these are the questions that ill never understand, so I scroll down the pages of the Good book and roll a blunt with the same hands.
And I get on my knees, and exhale as I ask God to protect my soul..

And instead of hearing gods reply I hear the burning of the blunt I hold,
And that is why, I get high.

Immediate gratification, for an unsolvable problem
Floating on cloud twelve, approaching the eleventh heaven.
If I use all ten of my fingers and toes it still wouldn't be enough to describe the reasons I like to blow.
Quite sad and depressing I know, but fuck it.
I got something waiting on me when I go home.
Alone.

Cause I don't have a man that I can go home to who love me.
But ill be in ecstasy, atleast until I get the munchies.

And shit I maybe be alone but I ain't lonely.
Got a bad bitch waiting by my. Bedside, she's mary jane to the homies.
But to me, she my best friend.
She don't judge me like God do.
As a matter of fact, she the reason why I got so many friends.
Only thing is, she quite possesive, can't stand for me to be away to long. She knows I get reckless, ill start reading the bible again, and stop saying Gods name in vain, even vow to never see her again.
Till some bad shit happens.

Then, I'm rolling her, turning the music up and dropping out.

And then we back on like we never fell off.
There is no forgivness necessary, only inhale and take it to the brain.
Why? You ask me still?
I may not have all the answers but I know how to ease the pain.
Ill smoke to my eyes close and joints start sinking. Smoke till I can see stars, and till the orioles start winning.
Smoke till I hear bells, and smoke till my toes curl.
Now you know why I'm smoking, to escape this hell.

Something New.

That's my new haircut.
LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello, again.

Well.
I've come back for my online journal.
It's been along summer and it's almost over.
It's been fun.
It's been sad.
Hella concerts.
Parties? not so much.
Deleted a myspace.
Gained an AOL account. Win!
Saw E.badu, Kid Cudi, Chrissete Michelle, Ryan Leslie, Jazmine Sullivan, 88 Keys, live in concert.
Deleted three useless numbers outta my phone.
And cried in a couple bathrooms, a couple times.
Got a haircut.
But no regrets at all, suprisingly.
And there will be more posts up ahead, suprisingly.