a poem about a poem?

So...i just wrote the dopest poem
ever.

well, the best poem i ever wrote.
it's soo good, that I don't wanna share it.
And it's like five pages long.
So you know i ain't typing it.

But if i really stop being scared all my life
and get into that whole slam poetry scene,
that would be my first piece.

So..yeah, by now it's clear this ain't a poem
but, so what, it's my blog.
i can do what i want.

Trying to be [IN]divdual.

I learned how to draw inside the lines when I turned eight.
People don't like for you to think outside the box.
Color your hair pink.
Or draw chalk daisies on rocks.

I learned how to transform myself long before I needed the skill.
Being creative was cool but being different warrants
"eeew...." from your third grade classmates.

And though no one ever said this aloud I knew what was up.
So I adorned myself accordingly.
No more random questions, no more smiling at strangers.
Everything you wear must be friend approved, ya know
"...is this cute?"

Things I like don't matter anymore.
I'm officially apart of the crowd and we laugh at those who aren't.
The ones who dare to live out loud.

Put away your odd-ness,cover up your freakish-ness.
Hide those imperfections.
Like horses who race at Preakness,
we are now up for inspection.

The time has come for our yearly detection.
There is an impostor in our crew.
She's been thinking her own thoughts and trying to walk her own walk.
How dare she stand apart?
How dare she look for unique-ness and still long to be apart of the mob mentality.

There is no need for the likes of her kind here.
Too much independence, too much curiosity
and much too much too smart.

It felt like as soon as I was accepted I was ousted.
Years of hard work and conformity.
Down the drain.
All that time I was suppressing myself to impress others.
And it seems it's all for nothing.
I don't fit in anyway.

Perhaps that's my life's greatest tragedy.
Not fitting in and not knowing it.

Before I learned how to draw inside the lines I never even used to draw.
I used to dance.
Dance on life's back like a Chinese masseuse.
And then it got lonely up there.
And I wanted to come down.
To high to look into my friends eyes.
And I never knew how much I wanted to before I did.

So I conformed.
I crawled down, and sat in my seat, picked up my purple crayon and traced the elephant.
I used slow and determined strokes that went left and right.
They describe my phlight of following the trends and trying to be IN.
Up and down like the styles.
Good and bad like my relationships with friends.
Even like my skin tone.
And eventually complete, like I hoped to be.

Been drawing since I was eight and nothing yet.
Maybe this isn't the medium for me.
Maybe i'll take up flight .
Fly back into oblivion and dance on the clouds till heaven rains down.

graduating calls for a look at oneself

hmmm.....so I've been thinking about myself and the person i wanna become and all that good stuff lately, and i've also been reading up on random things like
1. what exactly does "purp" consist of? i know it's weed, but like what exactly is weed?
2. random ass songs on youtube, and anything with kid cudi's face on it. i just love him, is all.
3. no daddy syndrome.

The last is some what of a mystery in my life like the boogie man, tooth fairy, cooties. Supposedly, it's something that young girls, well no, all girls who eventually turn into woman, who had a poor or non-existent relationship with their fathers. Hints- "no-daddy" syndrome.
Anyway, i had to ask myself, do i suffer from that? I think mine is a special case. My father passed away when i was like eight. But he was here for the most part when he was alive. But he also stole our cd player. But he used to clean and cook. He was a character, but i loved him. And i know he loved me. But is that enough?
Will i grow up to be one of those crazy insecure chicks whose only goal is to get married?
Will i be a hardened bitch, who sleeps will men to avoid emotional intimacy?
Will i ever post something that's actually worth commenting on?
Will i ever stop caring so much?
i have no idea, but hopefully i'll get one soon.

My RULES.

-Dream Big. Work Harder.
-real friends deserve to be treated as such
-if i don’t hustle i don’t eat
-only ask mom and granny for large sums of money…everybody else will make you feel bad about it.
-remember that EVERY SONG IS YOUR SONG and act accordingly
-always talk during the movie/play/ballet/traffic jam/lecture…fuck the old white people behind you. fuck.them.
-think about what you say
-except if it’s funny. if it’s funny, SHOUT THAT SHIT.
-always buy boy shorts
-mother knows best
-before any big event in life, prom/wedding/graduation watch the Beyonce experience.
-laugh instead of cry
-cry instead of argue
-argue instead of fight
-send funny random texts to your new love at 11:06 every Thursday, sets the tone for the relationship.
-when depressed play Kirk franklin, beyonce, kanye and yo gotti, in that order.
-always be a diva
-but fuck wearing make-up everyday, really don't need that shit.
-always laugh when the hilarity ensues.
-boys that ONLY text you, get the friends status.
-go hard or go home.
-me first. always.
-sing and laugh loud as you can possibly can all the time.
-depend on no one else for your happiness.
-if it don't make you happy. fuck it.
-laugh at the haters, and gloat about your success at the Oscars.
-READ.READ.READ.PRAY.READ.
-only eat good food.
-breathe.
-God first. Family second. everything else.

Scribbled during a trig test

When the crowd fades away and i'm left all alone
I retreat into myself,
back into the bottom of my heart
back into the back of my head
I take me all in and relish the day
The better parts make me smile
the low moments i throw away.
Sometimes it's good to have a moment
to yourself to regain your sanity
When all the noise of the day
goes back to where it came from
and you can just
be yourself with yourself by yourself,
nothing wrong at all
No other voices to hear
No opinions to count
no cares at all.
i breathe myself in
and release us back out
Winding down to take care of me.
Forging a bond that only we know about.