So do it...

I wanted to write a poem tonight.
But my life got in the way.
Too busy doing shit to actually
think about what I was doing
Process it.
Flip and reverse to make it sound pretty.
Ahem..
Sometimes, it just hits you.
That these are the moments.
Moments in which life is all about.
Its about those endless almost sober drunk nights of driving.
With a nice soundtrack.
Its about what you have now,
not what you wish to get.
Its about being good in the moment,
not anticipating the next time you can have fun.
Participating fully into what your doing,
dreams are fun, but they're not life.
They're not even real yet.
Do it now, and feel it forever, before its over.
I learned the lesson fast.
Whether it comes to love or life.
Do it now, the next time may not exist.

Stay Right Here

I just wanna stay right here
Can I live on the cusp of this reality
for the rest of my reality?
Can I recycle my breath
and retain these sights for later use?
I don't wanna grow up no more
I take it all back.
Let me just stay right here
In my room on my bed
Staring at the wall
Grasping each second that
passes through my fingers
Trying not to move
Because movement equals
progress and progess equals
Time Lasped
and...
I just wanna stay right here
Laying under you
Letting your weight crush
all doubts and uncertainties about
how we feel for each other
Can you stay right here
Can you never get on that flight
and leave?
Can we stay intertwined in each other
Let time stop like a traffic jam
All around us
Let this moment expand until it goes
all around the world and comes back twice
Kissing you with a new found appreciation
cause our time has come
And we both realized it
was too short
Can I just stay right here
sitting on my sisters bed.
Laughing like only we can
Or fighting like only we can
Can each laugh hit notes
in the universe that allow the
God of time to make it stop
just for the rest of my little life
Can I just remind her of an inside joke
that sends us in a secret frenzy
only for eternity?
Can I just stay right here?
Can my tears take years to drop
So that I appreciate every salty
particle they contain?
Maybe if i write this poem
long enough it
can immortalize
and account for
every seconds that's past?
Can I just stay right here?
Cause life just moves too fast...

New Year? yeah...New Year.

Dear 2009,

You sho' was interesting.

You have got to be the most life changing year since...oh I don't know, 1991? I graduated this year and finally closed that chapter in my life that seemed so, so, so, long; high school. But the funniest part is that now high school seems the shortest. And the least serious. And I guess it was. The most important things in high school were clothes and boys. Now I'm at the age were the shit I do affects the rest of my life, like forreal.
Oh...2009. You were a wild one. I suffered the death of my Uncle Tony, but I gained the gift of my nephew Jay. Lost a few inches in the length of my hair, but gained new confidence in my self image. Took a blow to my pride when it came to Drexel, but gained resilience. In fact i might have dodged a bullet, since UMBC is wayyyy more affordable, and rank's higher than Drexel on the Top Up and Coming College's and Universities.
In fact, we're number 1. :)
I may have a semester to make up, but while off, I made a cool amount of money, as well as affect the lives of some great kids, learn about myself and others, cement a real relationship with Jesus, get my driving license, practically fall in love, master the art of frying plantains, take aerial classes, discover my true passions, start my first screenplay and book of poetry, AND buy a shitload of clothes and shoes whenever I wanted too.

I'd say 2009, you were pretty good to me.

Sure we had our moments, but I came out stronger for each one. Sure, my life went completely off track, but that just taught me my most valuable lesson.

"I don't control shit, I can only try my best, and be content knowing that I did everything I said I would ."

But I do feel as if, I lost sooo much this year, like for instance, my false sense of self. Or maybe I shed a few of my insecurities. Definitely lost my opinions of a lot of people, true colors shone this year. I've lost some of the expectations I had for myself as well as others. Dont' know if that's good or bad.
And most of all, lost that big ass impending debt I would have had, had I attended Drexel this year. LOL
In all honesty, I could go on and on about you 2009.
But why should I? You and me are through.
When I think back on everything we did, all the secrets we shared, all the times I cried or laughed, I'll have no choice but to smile, because although you were important, you didn't make or break make me, you changed me.
And I made to the other side. After December 31st, you'll be officially another year I lived through.

And I thank God for you.

Sincerely,
Nia.

The Process

My world is changing.
Faster than I ever thought it would.
Seeing things and doing things I thought I never could.
My heart it beat slowly
Like the calm before the storm
And my eyes stream gently
Bitter sweet tear drops, so warm.
From one issue to the next
From closed doors to bounced checks.
If I don't make it down this road I don't know what I’ll do next.
This is the life I thought deserved, the life I thought I would get, this life could lead to lead me to victory, or even regret.
Lord knows my zapatos aint never been opposed to walking.
But I don't got the stamina
And I hear the vultures squawking.
It's like I'm lost now.
And my great wall of confidence is falling down
All around me
Like I'm blinded by my own light
But my Lord says its not my fight.
And God willing the next time that plane of opportunity touches down, it'll be my flight.

Plan B

Plan B is never as good as plan A.
That's why it's plan b.
When dealing with plan B, just try not to be bitter.

Bitterness is unattractive, and good people survive horrid situations with the plastic plastered smile of courage on their face.

But it's hard to remain that same person after you've had your heart broken.
I used to be as deep as the pacific, but life is turning me shallow.
Shallow is safe and safe is good.

Safe is the relief you feel at the confirmation of your suspicions, "I knew his ass was cheating!"
Safe is the comatose like state you drink yourself into after the divorce papers are filed.
Safe is the realization that you don't need a man, cause they all ain't shit anyway.
Safe is telling your daughters that being a doctor is out of there reach and nursing is more realistic.
Safe is ignoring that burning sensation when peeing, cause your afraid to get tested.

Plan A was so much more dangerous. Plan B can only be less.

Plan B is safe and simple, the man you settled for cause your ovaries are withered with your deferred dreams of brown skin sons named Rashad.

And all though he doesn't love you like a tornado or overwhelm your senses like a tsunami, he has a good job and treats his mother right.
And a girl can only stand so many sleepless nights of pining away for plan A.

Plan A, now that was a plan.
It was smooth on the inside and shiny on the out, looked like it talked like it knew was the shit.
Plan A was the first thing you thought about when you woke up and sang you to sleep at night.
Plan A was first.
Plan A was right.
Plan A smeared your eyesight so you saw nothing but plan A.
So when plan A disappeared you stop seeing.

It's hard to accept blindness when your whole identity was built around vision.

Couldn't even imagine what a plan B would look like.
You were like plan B? What's that?
You learned that plan B was the option after the first.
The stars when you can't reach the moon.
Not the silver or the gold but the bronze.
A dream deferred into something less....

You wanted Jimmy Choo's?
But all they got are Steve Madden
You thought he had a condom on? Girl you better get a plan B!
Life is one big plan B.Wouldn't you have wanted heaven?
Is it so wrong to want what you want and think you deserve it?
Your life is a plan B.
Because your dad wanted a son.
So swallow that giant wad of plan B seed, but spit it out only when life isn't looking
Cause if you let it grow inside you
You become bitter with plan B. And good people don't.

Good people survive horrid situations with the plastic plastered smile of courage on their face.