Come In

They don’t wanna see you fly
But I would be a lie if I said I wasn’t
apart of the crowd that didn’t support you
and your decision
cause it ain’t what I want that’s best
it’s about God’s say in the matter
and I would love to say fuck the rest.
But I couldn’t look you in the eye
And not tell you the whole truth
Not warn you about the impending stress
The statistic that you are becoming
The shame I feel
The shame I feel for feeling shame
The heaviness that we falling in
And I say we cause you not going though alone
You never were
And you never will be.
I wish I could make this decision for you
And I would hold onto that guilt for you
Cry those tears for you
Cause that’s how I love when I love you
I would walk those stairs
And lay on my back
And feel that emptiness for you.
Just so you wouldn’t have to.
I'm sorry but...
I need you to be smart about this
I need you to think about more than
what we'll think
or what they'll say
or redeeming yourself through this.
I think it'll be too hard
I don't see the silver lining
But I see the storm on the horizon
I got something saved for a rainy day
but wouldn't it be smarter
to just come on in the house
A rain coat ain't strong enough for this
Just come in.
Wouldn't it be the smarter thing to do
Why would you try to bear the storm outside
When the house is able and ready to protect you?

Silly Me.

I never would have ever imagined it would be this hard.

How naive of me.

Finger pricked with blood from the cherry tree.
The pain brings me to reality
Got my mind running track
Finding a way, needing a map.
Fucking my poetry up too,
I can’t even writing about anything but you.
Can stop rhyming either.
Cant stop crying either.
Can’t stop trying either.
Fuck you, for not caring either way.
You just keep on twisting and pulling and pushing.
And I see that shit everyday.
I just can’t see me leaving you alone.
Loving you is like,
Not being able to walk away from a bomb.
Seeing the car on its way
I can feel the impact before it happens
But I just can’t pull over fast enough
Cant pump my brakes to save my life
I wanna scream and get out
But I’m trapped in the flames.
And they burn so good.
I just want to hold your smoldering bones
In my soul.
Let your ashes decorate the skin on my eyelids
So when I close my eyes and die
I still see you.
Snort the ashes on the broken rearview mirror
So when I overdose I still breathe you
You’ll linger in my bloodstream so
When I flex, I can still squeeze you.
Damn, I feel like I need you.
And the feelings not equal.

New Year? yeah...New Year.

Dear 2009,

You sho' was interesting.

You have got to be the most life changing year since...oh I don't know, 1991? I graduated this year and finally closed that chapter in my life that seemed so, so, so, long; high school. But the funniest part is that now high school seems the shortest. And the least serious. And I guess it was. The most important things in high school were clothes and boys. Now I'm at the age were the shit I do affects the rest of my life, like forreal.
Oh...2009. You were a wild one. I suffered the death of my Uncle Tony, but I gained the gift of my nephew Jay. Lost a few inches in the length of my hair, but gained new confidence in my self image. Took a blow to my pride when it came to Drexel, but gained resilience. In fact i might have dodged a bullet, since UMBC is wayyyy more affordable, and rank's higher than Drexel on the Top Up and Coming College's and Universities.
In fact, we're number 1. :)
I may have a semester to make up, but while off, I made a cool amount of money, as well as affect the lives of some great kids, learn about myself and others, cement a real relationship with Jesus, get my driving license, practically fall in love, master the art of frying plantains, take aerial classes, discover my true passions, start my first screenplay and book of poetry, AND buy a shitload of clothes and shoes whenever I wanted too.

I'd say 2009, you were pretty good to me.

Sure we had our moments, but I came out stronger for each one. Sure, my life went completely off track, but that just taught me my most valuable lesson.

"I don't control shit, I can only try my best, and be content knowing that I did everything I said I would ."

But I do feel as if, I lost sooo much this year, like for instance, my false sense of self. Or maybe I shed a few of my insecurities. Definitely lost my opinions of a lot of people, true colors shone this year. I've lost some of the expectations I had for myself as well as others. Dont' know if that's good or bad.
And most of all, lost that big ass impending debt I would have had, had I attended Drexel this year. LOL
In all honesty, I could go on and on about you 2009.
But why should I? You and me are through.
When I think back on everything we did, all the secrets we shared, all the times I cried or laughed, I'll have no choice but to smile, because although you were important, you didn't make or break make me, you changed me.
And I made to the other side. After December 31st, you'll be officially another year I lived through.

And I thank God for you.

Sincerely,
Nia.

Running

I thought could run from him
But I can't.
This man who loves me like no other
I was made to love him
Afraid of what others would think of me if I gave him my heart
Ran like hell from what I knew would eventually catch up with me.
I used to wonder why I would be so unhappy,
Expecting the world to pay back what I thought they owe me.
Looking for my joy, in his arms
And their clubs, those shoes, and dollar bills.
Mindless mumbling zombie whistling the capitalism theme song in my head.
Cash rules everything around me, cream get the money dollar dollar bills yall.
But naw, it didn't take away the pain.
Money compared to him is like a band aid versus the cure,
The biggest hit he certainly was, making all other things obscure.
But I was afraid of his love thought I was unworthy,
Thought you had to be pure and whole to be with him,
And certainly I was dirty.
There would be times I would be amazed at his love,
And this impacted my own spirituality.
Times where my whole life seemed to fall in peace,
Sent my mind in spirals tryna to figure out what this was.
Till one day I didn't have to wonder no more,
Cause the love I feel now, it has always been, and always was, nothing but God

One Night w/ HOVA

Now that's a down ass chick

Give her your burden.
Your love, your joy and hate.
Give her your burden.
Your pain no matter how great.
She'll recieve you into
her walls, as she herself falls
Down ass chicks wear your feelings
like ten gold toe rings
We'll be as null and void as you are about things
Sometimes we'll stare at those rings
as if our eyes were laser beams
Sometimes we'll pull and tug
tired of your tough love
And sometimes, just sometimes
we'll get real still.
Times like those we'll do your will
But what you gotta know about us
is that it's not a game at all.
And if it's not meant to be
when you push, we'll fall.
But when you fall-
when a down ass chick's man falls
We'd just as well
pull ourselves under
tryna pull you up over.